Saturday, August 27
It's 2:32 am... Today.... yesterday now... Sue Clink died... I loved her... she loved me... then on the way home from another rediculous errand her..... mom's husband... sent her on she was hit by a logging truck head-on... I hate loggers...... I do now... a lot of hate and fear and disgust lives in me now.... I just want to sleep and dream... I drempt about her last night... maybe I could again tonight.... or maybe I could wake up and this hasn't happened.... my head hurts.... I've been crying all day.... and somehow I haven't... my body is crying but my mind... my mind is just asking what I do next... almost asking when it would be ok to move on and forget about it... forget about Sue... Then I cry harder... guilty tears hurt more.... a lot more... which makes my mind ask when this can be over... I went to this party type thing tonight... we had both wanted to go but work schedules disagreed... I definately wasn't going to work tonight so I went there instead.... It's an awful feeling to know that your presence is making people uncomfortable... They are watching for any sign that you're unhappy and come quickly to save you with awkward silence... to some extent it helps to know that people are concerned... to a much larger extent their concern causes you to forget about it and act happy again... and then guilty tears tear their way out of your eyes... then people around you are concerned again... cycles should never be made with pain and discomfort... It's 3 now... and I keep typing... each keystroke just tells me that I'm not dreaming... I don't type in my dreams... I fight... If this was a dream I would have gone and killed that logger... and Sue's... dad thing.... and then some ninjas just for good measure.... but I'm typing.. no death.. no blood..... no ninjas.. we were gonna try and watch Valiant yesterday... before we both had to work... I wonder if her folks called her work... probably... It's not like they matter anymore anyway... Jerry was in the car with her... she's fine.. just a cut and concussion... I'm so relieved... yet.. for some rediculously selfish reason that fact makes me mad at Andy... I shouldn't be... I'm not really.. but in emotion I am... Like I said... lots of hate... plenty to go around... I never posted about her on my blog... until she died... you know why? cause I was happy... I really was... she was the best girl I could ask for... you know how people will try and comfort those who have lost someone by saying just think about the good times?... They were all good times... we didn't fight... the only problem in our relationship was that her parents were very controlling... and in that annoyance we were united... anyway... enough ramblings... I'm gonna go fight some ninjas and loggers... hopefully
posted by Joel |
2:32 AM
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