Tragedy Is Life
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| The Long Road Tragedy Is Life |
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Wednesday, February 25 I'm ok now... I was just very upset last night... I have discovered something... something you cannot know... at least not yet... I must build up intrest upon this fact... It is possible that I have merely figured out onr thing that David does but If not I want to be able to bring more to the table then just this fact... I'm going to be collecting for this endevor for a week... so you will just have to wait... this will be fun posted by Joel | 11:10 PM I feel numb... physically and emotionally... with the dull ache inside... like I've just woken up the day after a particularly hard workout... I've had a bad week so far... It makes me want to... makes me wish I had any artistic outlet... I can't pummel anything... thusly I wish I could draw something sad... or write a mournful lyric... or anything... I know that wouldn't make anything better... I have a lot of thinking to do... I have to fix my brain... It's not working with recent imput well... I fear I may have broken something else tonight... this probably isn't helping that either... I've been desperately wanting to vent this and much more recently... but I can't... I just deleted a large portion of self analysis that was written here... I didn't like my conclusion... It hurt posted by Joel | 1:20 AM Monday, February 23 Here it is in it's entirety I stood in horrified awe. Unable to move. Staring at you. Fearful that even a breath would cause you to vanish, like you had before, and I couldn’t stand it if it happened again. You had unintentionally taken me from the edge of suicide to sanity and back again. You stood there in a cocky cool manor, just like you used to, and I found myself wondering if I had just imagined your disappearance, for you hadn’t changed a day since you left me for the first time. A million questions floated to my mind, and I pushed the tears that I found on the inside of my eyelids trying hard to escape away, they were clouding my vision, and I wanted to make sure that you weren’t a figment of my imagination, or a cruel trick of the light. You looked the way you did when I first saw you, older of course, but only your eyes showed it, but now I’m rambling. Someone once told me to write well you must write what you know. Well this is what I know. This is my story, from the beginning. I watched you stand in the doorway as not a day had passed since you left me, and memories good and bad flowed through my head. I was forced in that moment to remember everything that I had tried so hard to forget. It is impossible to pin down the exact date that everything started, just as it is equally impossible to find the reason. I was in sixth grade, and around eleven year’s old. I was in a new school surrounded by strangers, and very shy (I once went without eating at a restaurant because I wouldn’t talk to the waiter and my parents wouldn’t order for me). I made friends with one girl by helping her open her binder on the first day of class, and then in turn she introduced me to all of her friends. I had overcome my first challenge, but midway through the year they decided that I was no longer worth their time and suddenly quit talking to me. But at the same time they felt it was appropriate to talk about me behind my back, making me a complete social outcast. Making things worse one of the teachers I had completely ostracized me for every thing I did, in her class anything I did was horrible, she was fired the next year. For the first time in my life I was alone, I had no friends to talk to, I couldn’t turn to my family because they would not understand. I mentioned to them how cruel the other girls were and they joked about it, and neither of my parents believed that a teacher could do that. My parents at an early age had both me and my little sister Lauren I.Q. tested. I found out much later, around the time that all of this started that I scored a below average score and that Lauren scored much higher. I over heard my parents say that they because of that expected lower of me than her, so they wrote off the bad grades do to that. It is important to understand that my parents are not the bad guys in this story. They always did what they thought was best for me and my sisters, and apologized for the mistakes they made that nothing could fix. It is also important that you understand that my parents oftentimes needed me and my sisters more than we needed them. That this story is written from my perspective, and that things they did had an effect on me that they never would of realized. Also my parents had a special way of raising us, my sisters and I. A way which seems horrible when I describe it to others, yet enabled us to have our independence and a strong free will, it aloud us to become strong independent women which we now are. Yet neither this nor my background is important to what happened, or to why I am writing this. I write this to quash the voice in the back of my head, the one that still says take the bottle of pills it won’t hurt anymore, the voice that tells me to run the blade across my arm and watch the blood flow out. I write this to give hope to those that have none. And most importantly I write this for you, the man who stands in the doorway, who appears in all of my dreams, my savior, my guardian angle, my conscience. Whether you are real or imagined, part of me or a figment of my imagination, a real person or an angle, you saved my life, then you destroyed it, but you gave me the strength to rebuild it again. So this is where the rest of my life begins, when I finally close this chapter of my past which has haunted me for most of my life. For as long as I remember I have been fearful of telling this story, afraid that I would be locked up, afraid that you would be mad, and most of all I was afraid that you would leave me; but you left anyway. So I find myself here, at the beginning of the end, yet having to go all the way back to the beginning to cross the wall and enter this last chapter. Please, as a last favor give me the strength to do this, this is all I can ask of you, as you stand in my door way looking the same as you did the first time I met you. Scared, tattered, torn, depressed, I was lost in the hopelessness of my own mind. Tear stained streaks of red rolled down my checks from where the salty tears had irritated the skin, and my eyes were puffy, swollen and red, I had cried all night. Wallowing in my own hopeless existence, I felt alone and lost. Confused and abandoned, there was no point left for me to live. Forced earlier that night to admit to myself that the reality that I took comfort in, the reality that I retreated to, didn’t exist. I had based this world on an old cartoon series, not to mention a bad one, picturing myself in all my illusions as a supper hero with some amazing ability to allow only justice to prevail, its amazing how naive I was. Having forced myself to admit the illusion, I felt empty and alone. So I cried, and once all the tears had run dry something possessed me to get up. I had been depressed all summer long, I was twelve, and had just graduated from the sixth grade, and nothing could make me go back to that school, where I had been tormented and tortured. I knew every day brought me one day closer to returning. One more agonizing day to live. Sometime during that summer I stopped eating everything but plain toasted bread, and I drank nothing but water, I had shriveled up to being nothing but a brittle stick of flesh. Once over the summer, my grandmother buttered my toast, I ate it and puked shortly after because my stomach was so unused to such rich food as butter. Sometime in the night an idea came to me, why not end it all. If I was dead, I wouldn’t have to go back to school, no one would get mad at me, yell at me, lecture me. It seemed like the perfect escape, the perfect way out. So I got up, out of my bed, walking into my grandmother’s house, the cold stone tile floor beneath my bare feet. I walked through her living room, a room which had so many antiques me and my sister were not even aloud into it, and into the kitchen. I grabbed one of the sturdy wooden chairs from under the table and dragged it over to the refrigerator, my arms too weak to lift it. My grandmother kept her sharp knives on top of her refrigerator, and I climbed up, slowly pulling the carving knife out of the wooden holder, hearing the slow soft grinding noise of the metal against the wood, and the soft clang it made as it was free. I lowered it to my wrist and pressed the cold metal to my flesh. I took a deep breath, and looked up. Into a mirror that hung across from my grandmother’s kitchen, and saw what I first thought to be my reflection, but then quickly realized that it wasn’t. It was a boy, about my age with brown hair and brown eyes. It was you, the first time I actually saw you, not just felt your presence. I shook my head to clear the image and again looked down at the knife that I still held to my wrist. I remembered what I was trying to do, the idea possessed me again and I began to apply more pressure to the blade, it hadn’t broken the skin yet. But something stopped me, a voice shot out through the dark, “Stop, what are you doing?” I looked back up to the mirror, and the boy was still there, watching me with curious eyes. I realized then that he was older than I; he had to be because at my age most of the girls were taller than the boys, and he was much taller than I was. He had the look of most young teenagers, like his limbs had grown faster than the rest of him and he hadn’t quite filled out. He seemed awkward in his stance, (although that word never seems appropriate to describe you) as if his body had suddenly gotten an upgrade and he was still trying to read the new owners manual. I told him that there was no point for me to live, that I had no function in this world. He told me that I was right, there was no function for me in this world, but I needed to look at myself, look at what I had become, he told me that this was not the answer. He then took a step to the side, and I saw my reflection in the mirror for the first time in I don’t know how long. I didn’t even recognize myself; I was too skinny, with ratted hair. My face looked sunken in, and I looked like I was close to death. In fact ironically I was, as I still held the knife to my wrist. His big dark brown eyes met mine and the spell that made me rise from my bed was broken. I felt like a haze had been lifted from my shoulders and until that point I had been seeing through a fog. I shook my head and put the knife back in its spot and went back into my room. I lay down on my bed to sleep, and I dreamt. A soft breeze awoke me; I lay in a place I had never seen before. Next to a boy I didn’t know. On a bed of soft green mossy grass, with thick trees surrounding us. It was a forest of some sort posted by Joel | 1:17 AM
posted by Joel | 1:16 AM Saturday, February 21 Only two of you did your homework... I'm so disappointed... anyway The story. This is all real... According to my friend not a single line of it is fiction. The boy isn't real, he's something that only she sees... Though Natalie could be right.. It could be Jesus or an Angel. I really don't know.. I suppose the more indepth analysis I was looking for would only come from me posting the whole thing... I'll do that when I'm home... Krystal's thinking of buying a car today... Honda Civic Coupe... we're going down to San Diego to visit her Grandmother and see if she can get it... If she can... we'll be driving that home... I've never been in a brand new car... like driving it home with somebody... There's no real remorse about that... I have no problem buying used cars... prolly will for most of my life... but this will be kinda a cool experiance... anyway I'm gonna go now.. bye posted by Joel | 10:48 AM Thursday, February 19 I'm reading a story written by one of my friends from FanFiction.net... It's really intense... I'd like to post the whole thing but It's not mine so I will only post a small part. Read it and tell me what you think. Treat it as though you're in an English class and give me an analysis of what you think is going on, who's the boy and such. I will comment more in a day or so. I shook my head to clear the image and again looked down at the knife that I still held to my wrist. I remembered what I was trying to do. The idea possessed me again and I began to apply more pressure to the blade, it hadn’t broken the skin yet. But something stopped me, a voice shot out through the dark, “Stop, what are you doing?” I looked back up to the mirror, and the boy was still there, watching me with curious eyes. I realized then that he was older than I; he had to be because at my age most of the girls were taller than the boys, and he was much taller than I was. He had the look of most young teenagers, like his limbs had grown faster than the rest of him and he hadn’t quite filled out. He seemed awkward in his stance, (although that word never seems appropriate to describe you) as if his body had suddenly gotten an upgrade and he was still trying to read the new owners manual. I told him that there was no point for me to live, that I had no function in this world. He told me that I was right, there was no function for me in this world, but I needed to look at myself, look at what I had become, he told me that this was not the answer. posted by Joel | 2:23 AM Monday, February 16 Sean. She is my Friend. Thusly why I have never told her that you are the wrong guy for her. I have always respected her decision and only stated that you where a good guy who could be a little controlling... that is also why I asked her not to read that... this was not intended to hurt her or even you really... merely for you too see why it is we think you shouldn't be with her... If you can change like you say you are then I would support your relationship completely... I know I was being very angry and hurtful in the previos post.. I am sorry for that... to both you and Jenny... it was mostly petty anger over a small insult and the pent up frustration I have been feeling over the past couple weeks... but that is still no excuse I apologise again and I'll shut up now posted by Joel | 6:00 PM So now that I've thoroughly stopped all blogging traffic with the last two posts.... I guess noone wanted to attatch their name to that in any way... anyway I was just talking to someone that I haven't seen for about 2 years... she asked me who I was... and she did the contacting... have you ever had anyone do that?... It kinda leaves a little hole in ya... I know there's no way she'd be able to tell since I changed my name and all but still... for a short period of time I considered her one of my best friends... oh well... I just got back from a weekend of camping with Krystal, Kristin and jason... twas a lot of fun... got to do some cooking... didn't turn out terrible... eggs didn't have anything on them but the bacon was excellent... and considering I was doing that with open campfire flame and tin foil I think that's quite an accomplishment... Krystal made this really good campfire cassarole stuff... just threw some ingrediants in tin foil and on the fire they went... we did the camping in Joshua Tree National Park... a very pretty place if any of you suddenly feel the urge to camp in SoCal... Anyway with this experiance I've compiled a list of rules to how the City Girl drives... 1. Speed Limits are not relevent (this is notoriously true of all guys but we at least keep it under control some of the time... they literally don't care... would you if you could cry your way out of any ticket?) 2. Laws of courtesy apply only to everyone else (they have absolutely no problem tailgating or flashing their brights in peoples eyes who are following the speed limit... however if you come within so much as an inch too close you will be paying for the dents in their bumper and all "neck injuries" that occur for the rest of your life) 3. If someone screams... they will crash (my theory is that any sudden loud high pitched noise causes them to become momentarily suicidal and thusely they instantly head for the nearest cliff or oncoming vehicle) 4. Backseat driving is a crime punishable by death(pretty self explanatory) 5. They WILL NOT PASS unless it is their idea (if you so much as mention going around someone they're anger at driving slowly suddenly turns upon you and they no longer hold any grudge against the person they were previously considering stringing up by the genitals and disemboweling with a spork.... this has good points and bad... you won't die quicky from the crash that would likely ensue... however you now have a very capable person who knows where you sleep plotting your death) 6. They ALWAYS know where they are going (whether you are in their home town or some place they've never seen in their life, they know instictively how to get where they're going) I leave room for others to add more rules from their own experiance but one thing should be unchanged in this list... the gender discount on insurance is unwarranted posted by Joel | 12:09 AM Thursday, February 12 oh I want to add that I wave been the only one on your side in this group for a long time now... yeah... that's not gonna happen anymore posted by Joel | 9:08 PM Pompous? Self absorbed? I have many flaws but these are not them... they may however describe you... You who cannot let the poor girl spend any time with her friends... Good friends... without turning said action into the biggest guilt trip of her life... Friends like Tony... Tony was a good person to her... He may not have been the greatest guy to the rest of us but as far as I know he never did any wrong by her.... But he was a threat to you wasn't he... You really aren't as secure in your on hold over Jenny as you claim... You were terrified that Tony would take Jenny from you... It haunted your dreams didn't it?... You would wake up in cold sweats after seeing the image of Jenny with him instead of you.... you know why? Because he's better then you.... he didn't try to exibit this prison into her life... He had your good qualities, yes I do think you have good qualities... In fact I think you're a good guy... I think you'd be great for Jenny except for one flaw.... your obsessive desire to be in control of her life... It really is too bad that this flaw is so great... You could probably go a long way with her otherwise... But as of current you are the sole reason your relationship suffers... it is not us stressing her out with our dissapproval... she is stronger then that... if everything was perfect between you two she would have no problem ignoring it... but you are like a parasite on her... and slowly she is realizing it... eventually she will fully know this truth and despite the fact that she does love you... she will cut you off.... and on that day we will be there to defend her from you posted by Joel | 8:58 PM Wednesday, February 11 I recently came across this page absolutely filled with "contradictions" in the Bible... I began reading through them and determining wether or not these people have any clue what they're talking about... I'm about halfway through the list now... and I have not come across a single one that I cannot easily disprove... and I am nobody as far as theological thinking goes... my father would probably run through the entire list in a matter of minutes... My pastor could mark each one off instantly... even people who've never read the Bible could probably disprove some of these... It's really sad sometimes how anti-christians accuse us of hiding behind our faith and then use a general lack of intelligence as their defense... I'm sorry for going religous on you guys... but not really posted by Joel | 11:10 PM Tuesday, February 10 I recieved a package from scotland today... That package is actually hanging on my wall.. not what was inside... the package itself... I might be a little obsessed... anyway It was my clan buckle in it... quite a bit faster then I expected it to come... only problem... I have absolutely no idea how it works... it's the strangest little bugger I've ever seen... it has no bar to go through the belt holes... I'll have to scour the internet for any clue as to how it works... anyway that's about all that's happened today... I'm woefully sick... still going to classes but I'm fairly miserable.. I can't even find the decongestant that my Mom sent with me... this sucks... I'm gonna go look for some food now... bye posted by Joel | 7:25 PM You know what I found out this weekend... of course you don't you weren't even in the same county as me... well... I learned that I now wear an extra large in shirts... you don't see the signifigance in this do you? A single year ago I was wearing 3XL... 3FreakingXL I have dropped two whole sizes... except that I haven't really... I've probably lost about half a size... It's just that I'm now small enough that I can wear a reasonably tight shirt (and by that I merely mean not baggy) and look pretty decent... now you're still probably wondering why this is such a big deal... this means I can go for the sharp look... I can wear reasonably fashionable clothes... I don't have to resort to gym short and a teeshirt... Now this by no means will lead to any future shopping trips to Ambercrombie and Fitch or styling advice with PTom but at least now I won't have the monumental ego devastation every time I step into one of those stores... Do you even comprehend what it's like to walk into a store and just by looking at the little letters on the tags be able to tell that the people in charge of this place think you're grossly overweight... they don't even figure you into thier "perfect" vision of the world... to them people as fat as you don't exist... Now the most frustrating part about this is that I'm not fat.... I'm definately overweight but... with the exception of JoJo I'm probably faster then all of you... I'm definately stronger... my belly doesn't bulge... I'm not out of shape... yet these people think I'm not worth making clothes for... anyway not that any of you cared one bit about anything I just said in any way other then sympathetic... but I really wanted to let you guys know why I look all pissed when I leave those places... It's cause I am... ok goodnight posted by Joel | 2:08 AM Friday, February 6 cows with guns posted by Joel | 11:57 AM actually Jenny it's .Hack//sign but that's not very relavent... and while Tom may have rolled a natural 20 on his dominate the world check.... I rolled a natural 100 on my control Tom check (being the immortal that I am I get to roll a d100 for checks).... so we do in fact rule the world... with JoJo in command and Jenny in Second and Lacey in first ladyship of course... I suggest that we Put Tom in charge of the US to he can retain his Ambercrombie.... or at least southern Cali... anyway I'm gonna go be Uber elsewhere... goodnight Mortals posted by Joel | 12:44 AM Wednesday, February 4 So I learned something very interesting today in chemistry.. (*Warning* physics lesson ahead) we were talking about energy and the many different forms it takes... the two aspects I'm talking about are calories versus Joules.. here's the lesson... Calories and kilojoules are measurements of the same thing... 4 kilojoules are approxamately equal to one Calorie.. Calorie is just the term and unit that nuitritionists use and Chemists use kilojoules... now we began calculating the energy absorbed in a collision from a two ton vehicle traveling 55 miles per hour... it turns out that this is about 320 kilojoules... now the average hamburger is about 400 Calories... thusly with a quick calculation.. you can see that one hamgurger transfers the same amount of energy as being hit by 5 of the aforementioned cars.... I had a salad today posted by Joel | 12:47 PM Tuesday, February 3 So I'm back at Chapman... my long absence was due a case of severe lazyness during my winter break... though most of you know that. I had a blast at home and really didn't want to leave. you see I don't have friends like you guys down here... hopefully I make some good ones soon but so far while college is good and all I'm pretty much just really lonely... at least I have Krystal here though... I know it hurts you when I sit here missing home and I'm sorry but... it's my home... a home I really like to be at... anyway that's something I can talk to you about more personally. So it seems like as soon I I decide to take a break from this deal you all kick it into high gear... If you have been too lazy to go look at Tom's Blog.. er Zappo... or something to that effect... starts with a Z. anyway he's really been cranking stuff out recently... anyway you the people who read this blog probably know that you are posting and thusely this strain of conversation is ultimately boring... you've probably already decided that this post is far too boring to be worth your precious time... for all you know I am now hitting the epiphianic moment of my lifetime... and you missed it because my intro sucks... I probably just came up with a cure for cancer and the aswer to Life, the Universe, and Everything (*cough* 42 *cough*) and you just don't know... This entire portion of this post is cast into the realm of unread, post-boring section, blogging... there it will be eaten by the mysterious lawn gnomes and land sharks and the lurkers... yes the lurkers... a mysterious breed that is half human half squid (we're 95% simular you know) that patrols this evil place... only I can see them because I am writing words fated to exist within their realm because of your finikey appetite for written word... it's really all your fault that these vile creatures have a link to our world... soon they will take over my body and then spill into this world out of my cornea... bravo... you have doomed the planet... Will you be able to sleep now? I bet seeing how sick and twisted you are that you'll sleep long and deep... I hope you dreams torture you with the sound of Michael Jackson whining and images of John Goodman's Prostate Examup until the moment the lurkers devour your soul... posted by Joel | 2:10 AM |
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