Tragedy Is Life
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| The Long Road Tragedy Is Life |
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Thursday, April 29  You are Kermit the Frog. You are reliable, responsible and caring. And you have a habit of waving your arms about maniacally. FAVORITE EXPRESSIONS: "Hi ho!" "Yaaay!" and "Sheesh!" FAVORITE MOVIE: "How Green Was My Mother" LAST BOOK READ: "Surfin' the Webfoot: A Frog's Guide to the Internet" HOBBIES: Sitting in the swamp playing banjo. QUOTE: "Hmm, my banjo is wet." What Muppet are you? brought to you by Quizilla  Which Dr. Seuss character are you? brought to you by Quizilla Kermit and the Lorax... Two of the greatest characters ever... rock on posted by Joel | 5:02 PM
posted by Joel | 4:20 PM Monday, April 26 You are sentenced to death by sausage nose birthing!!!... college is fun posted by Joel | 11:12 PM Sunday, April 25 wow... I was gonna post the lyrics to "The Spicy McHaggis Jig" by Dropkick Murphey.... but then I read them.... you'll have to go find them on your own if you wanna know posted by Joel | 9:47 PM Saturday, April 24 Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are. If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female. Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. "My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." Socrates. An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." Winston Churchill. Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." Maria Carey. Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. "I would have made a good Pope." Richard Nixon. Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin. Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot I drink to make other people interesting Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. An alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do. Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping I like children - fried If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? 'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm' "Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git." "This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country." Clint Eastwood. In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One. Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent. It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who "I'm not a breast man, I'm a breast person." Jo. When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. posted by Joel | 3:22 AM Sesquipedalian posted by Joel | 1:03 AM Monday, April 19 so yesterday was a bad day... not much went right in the land of Joel... all that fun was ended with the remarkable joy of nearly biting off the tip of my own tounge... I had hit that stage where you're pretty much asleep but you've still got one or two movements left in ya... well one of those movements was to bite down very hard.... and my tounge being just slightly too big to comfortably fit behind my teeth... was nearly severed... it hurts now... it doesn't look like much... just a little red and such... but it feels like I have jagged wounds in it... so yeah not exactly the funnest way to jerk back into consciousness posted by Joel | 4:57 PM Sunday, April 18 My car got broken into last night... they completely destroyed my passenger side window... took my cd player, speakers, and my grandfather's Bayonette... we were driving up to it and I made the comment "at least it wasn't broken into"... this was before I saw what had happened.... Ironically I was calm throughout the whole thing... didn't angry... totally was like "oh that kinda sucks"..... now I am very grumpy though... I'm actually upset because Blaine changed the channel... damnit he found Greese..... if it stays here I'm leavin.... It's staying here..... I might kill someone.... He's lucky Jenny gave me Postal 2... sorry... I have to stop before I get any more angry posted by Joel | 8:08 PM Friday, April 16 I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. posted by Joel | 5:05 PM I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman. Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out. If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun." If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late. I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet. I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend. I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it. I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again. If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves. I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur. If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something. Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again. I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death. Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you. I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn. If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've never done this, but I think it'd work. If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien! posted by Joel | 4:59 PM Tuesday, April 13 Two of my best friends in the world are people I've never met before... One is Claire Elise whose blog I have a link to on this site... I met Claire in an internet Chatroom dedicated to Christian counseling I met 4 people in this Chatroom... one was Claire... another was Krystal... The third was a person named Nisse who I had a longdistance relationship with for a couple months... we'd probably still be friends if it wasn't for that relationship... and the fourth was a rape victim who I tried to counsel from Australia... there was a rather strange situation there where her cousin took over her messenger account for a month while she was away from home for something and pretended to be Jessica... she told me she had a kid from this experiance and stuff like that... she had a whole life mapped out for the kid... name, school, all kinds of stuff... anyway I still talk to Jessica occasionally but it's a little awkward cause I'll go to ask her about her kid and stuff... plus there's the whole time difference thing... so anyway.... the point of all that was this chatroom was a good source for friends to me... and Claire has been pretty good... The second friend I spoke of is Ivi Ixie... she was the author of the story I posted on here... she emailed me really randomly one time when she saw my account on FanFiction.net... yes I used to read and write Fanfiction... anyway I became her editor for the site so to speak... she would send me her works and I would correct spelling and grammar.... she was a very creative writter but lacked any ability with the English language... she would have made a great verbal storyteller at that point... she has become one of my favorite people... It's interesting how in this day and age you can do this... I've never met either of these people and until recently when Claire and I talked on the phone I had never even heard either of their voices... yet I count them both as friends... There are many evils in the internet but this is not one of them posted by Joel | 10:40 PM Monday, April 12 Did you go get alcohol and not tell me? -me (lauging for 5 seconds) no -Krystal posted by Joel | 12:41 AM Click on Build me up buttercup (2 second pause) damnit -Krystal posted by Joel | 12:36 AM Friday, April 2 I'm coming home tomorrow!!! posted by Joel | 12:30 PM |
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